I have a scar on the thumb of my left hand. It is a small triangular white patch of scar tissue just at the beginning of my knuckle. I can still remember getting how I got the wound. I was probably 5 or 6 and I had gotten up one night for midnight snack. My snacks were usually carrots. So there I was, late at night, peeling a carrot over the trash can. I sliced into my thumb fairly deep, such that it took quite some time for most of the bleeding to stop, then, since it was near the knuckle, kept getting opened up again. Every once in awhile the scar hurts and it reminds me of the wound.
I've been a big fan of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) for many years. I've never attended an AA meeting, but having worked with people with serious addictions (to many different things, not just alcohol), I've picked up some of the wisdom the Twelve Steps offer.
One of the most powerful and often most difficult is Step 9, known as making amends. This step is often implemented after a long process of healing self, self-awareness, and understanding of the wrongs the have occurred due to the addictions. Making amends is more than saying "I'm sorry". Anyone can say that. Most people say it as an automatic reaction, but do they feel sorrowful for their actions? In most cases not, it is a polite statement given in such situations.
Amending means changing. Think of the great efforts we must take to amend the Constitution of the United States. Think of what that means to amend the Constitution. We are literally changing the way we govern our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. Thus, the framers of the Constitution made it very difficult, considered it such a serious task, that it requires two-thirds approval of either the Senate or House just to propose an amendment, and the 75% of the States (legislatures) have approve it. Amending is a huge task.
Such is the same with Step 9. By following through with this step, you are actually changing a relationship. In most, but not all, you are repairing the brokenness that the addiction caused. The pain of the brokenness is replaced by the pain of healing. It does not have to be the other person, the person you hurt, who changes. The act of amending changes you. Thus, since you are no longer the same person you were at the beginning of the relationship, the relationship must change. How it changes depends on you and the other person. There are times where all you can do is amend and move on, mourning the loss of that relationship; other times you dance with joy in healing tunes.
My scar on my left thumb is a bold reminder of the wound. It is not the same wound I had when I was young. My skin amended and changed...but left me wiser for the relationship.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Losing Your Marbles
This is a story that's been around for awhile, but I think it helps give some perspective on setting priorities...seeing what's really real in our lives.
An older man was giving some advice to a younger man.
"It's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much," he said. "Let me tell you something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities. You see, one day I sat down and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about 75 years. Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and came up with 3,900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in his lifetime.
"It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail," he continued, "and by that time I had lived thru over 2,800 Saturdays. I got to thinking if I lived to be 75, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. "
He went on to explain that he bought 1000 marbles and put them in a clear plastic container in his favorite work area at home. "Every Saturday since then," he said, " I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There's nothing like watching your time here on earth run out to help you get your priorities straight."
Then the older gentleman finished, "Now before I take my lovely wife out for breakfast, let me tell you one last thing. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday, then I have been given a little extra time."
We don't know how much time we will have, whether we'll get extra time or there will be marbles left in our container. We can't choose that, but we can choose what we do with the time from here until then.
Peace and blessings.
~~
An older man was giving some advice to a younger man.
"It's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much," he said. "Let me tell you something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities. You see, one day I sat down and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about 75 years. Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and came up with 3,900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in his lifetime.
"It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail," he continued, "and by that time I had lived thru over 2,800 Saturdays. I got to thinking if I lived to be 75, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. "
He went on to explain that he bought 1000 marbles and put them in a clear plastic container in his favorite work area at home. "Every Saturday since then," he said, " I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There's nothing like watching your time here on earth run out to help you get your priorities straight."
Then the older gentleman finished, "Now before I take my lovely wife out for breakfast, let me tell you one last thing. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday, then I have been given a little extra time."
We don't know how much time we will have, whether we'll get extra time or there will be marbles left in our container. We can't choose that, but we can choose what we do with the time from here until then.
Peace and blessings.
~~
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Change is Hard
Change means movement, movement means friction, friction means heat, heat means controversy. ~ Saul Alinsky
We talk about wanting to change, to face up to our issues, and our desire is real and geniune. But we must realize change can continue to involve real pain for ourselves and others.
We have been so comfortable for so long with our issues! They have become a pacifier and a crutch. We wonder why we should bother to move forward and away from our world of ritutal and fantasy and comfort.
But were we really at home there? What about our anger? Our remorse? Our feelings of hopelessness and despair? Our shame that caused us to shun others and isolate ourselves? Were we truly comfortable? Has change been so harsh in comparison to the misery of our issues?
Even knowing there would be struggles and disagreements along the way, one day we decided, "ENOUGH!" We were ready then to face our struggles for a new, honest, way of living.
~
We talk about wanting to change, to face up to our issues, and our desire is real and geniune. But we must realize change can continue to involve real pain for ourselves and others.
We have been so comfortable for so long with our issues! They have become a pacifier and a crutch. We wonder why we should bother to move forward and away from our world of ritutal and fantasy and comfort.
But were we really at home there? What about our anger? Our remorse? Our feelings of hopelessness and despair? Our shame that caused us to shun others and isolate ourselves? Were we truly comfortable? Has change been so harsh in comparison to the misery of our issues?
Even knowing there would be struggles and disagreements along the way, one day we decided, "ENOUGH!" We were ready then to face our struggles for a new, honest, way of living.
~
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Encouraging Hope
What is hope? It is not just positive thinking, a good mindset, or optimism.
Webster's Online dictionary defines hope as "to desire with expectation of obtainment" and "to expect with confidence". It is the feeling that what is desired can be obtained. We can get what we want and that events will turn out for the best.
Other examples or descriptions of hope:
Without hope there is despair. Studies show that when there is no hope then there often people contemplating death and suicide. When people choose to stop living in their current realm of pain, fear and negative circumstances and seek help (counseling, a friend, a pastor) they are seeking a more hopeful life. We have two paths when dealing with people in despair. We can focus on their mistakes (those twists and turns along the non-linear path), what is wrong with them or we can focus on strengths, their potential for right, so that they may regain hope. Research shows that depressive symptoms decrease as hope is increased.
It is important that we all maintain an attitude of hope. Our attitude and behavior is what helps elicit hope and positive behavior in others. It is important that we express our faith in others and their ability to succeed. We must encourage and empower those we come in contact with to see beyond the discouraging circumstances. We must give them another picture to view, one of possibilities and potential. Hope is contagious, forward-thinking and goal oriented.
Still more essential is that we help others restore their faith in themselves. Once they believe in their own ability to change, then they can see that the circumstances are only temporary and they can get back on the road to hope.
When we encourage exploration of alternatives to the discouraging situation, we are instilling hope. We can do this by validating their feelings of despair, but not giving credence to the lie of despair. We can give them power over the situation by exploring options and alternatives and providing a sounding board for problem-solving. When they learn to develop hope from the inside out, even in one small aspect of their life, they can take that seed of hope and water it into a whole garden of hope. They can take that sliver and generalize it to a whole host of other life situations. They will begin to see possibilities that were once invisible to them.
When people restore hope they can explore where they were and derive meaning from it. They can learn from the past and move forward. They have the ability to set and achieve realistic goals. When the feeling of hope is restored people often feel more capable; they can do what is needed, see beyond today, and visualize their future.
Additional resources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope
http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/apahope.htm
http://www.suicideinfo.ca/csp/assets/alert63.pdf
http://www.attcnetwork.org/userfiles/file/11%20Pages%20from%20AM_v7_Series_4[1].pdf
http://division39.org/pub_reviews_detail.php?book_id=22
http://psy.psych.colostate.edu/courseweb/SUM2008/PY729YalomsTherapeuticFactors.pdf
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hope
~~
Webster's Online dictionary defines hope as "to desire with expectation of obtainment" and "to expect with confidence". It is the feeling that what is desired can be obtained. We can get what we want and that events will turn out for the best.
Other examples or descriptions of hope:
- An adventure, a going forward, a confident search
- A multidimensional dynamic force, characterized by a confident yet uncertain expectation of achieving a future goal. Which, to the hoping person, is realistically possible and personally significant.
- The elevating feeling we experience when we see, in our thoughts and dreams, a path to a better life, a brighter future...with the understanding that significant barriers may exist along the way.
- A non-linear path with many twists and turn of doubt and fear that can negatively affect the view of it
- The feeling of knowing how to get what you want out of life and the desire to make it happen.
- A faith in the unseen
- A spiritual certainty
Without hope there is despair. Studies show that when there is no hope then there often people contemplating death and suicide. When people choose to stop living in their current realm of pain, fear and negative circumstances and seek help (counseling, a friend, a pastor) they are seeking a more hopeful life. We have two paths when dealing with people in despair. We can focus on their mistakes (those twists and turns along the non-linear path), what is wrong with them or we can focus on strengths, their potential for right, so that they may regain hope. Research shows that depressive symptoms decrease as hope is increased.
It is important that we all maintain an attitude of hope. Our attitude and behavior is what helps elicit hope and positive behavior in others. It is important that we express our faith in others and their ability to succeed. We must encourage and empower those we come in contact with to see beyond the discouraging circumstances. We must give them another picture to view, one of possibilities and potential. Hope is contagious, forward-thinking and goal oriented.
Still more essential is that we help others restore their faith in themselves. Once they believe in their own ability to change, then they can see that the circumstances are only temporary and they can get back on the road to hope.
When we encourage exploration of alternatives to the discouraging situation, we are instilling hope. We can do this by validating their feelings of despair, but not giving credence to the lie of despair. We can give them power over the situation by exploring options and alternatives and providing a sounding board for problem-solving. When they learn to develop hope from the inside out, even in one small aspect of their life, they can take that seed of hope and water it into a whole garden of hope. They can take that sliver and generalize it to a whole host of other life situations. They will begin to see possibilities that were once invisible to them.
When people restore hope they can explore where they were and derive meaning from it. They can learn from the past and move forward. They have the ability to set and achieve realistic goals. When the feeling of hope is restored people often feel more capable; they can do what is needed, see beyond today, and visualize their future.
Additional resources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope
http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/apahope.htm
http://www.suicideinfo.ca/csp/assets/alert63.pdf
http://www.attcnetwork.org/userfiles/file/11%20Pages%20from%20AM_v7_Series_4[1].pdf
http://division39.org/pub_reviews_detail.php?book_id=22
http://psy.psych.colostate.edu/courseweb/SUM2008/PY729YalomsTherapeuticFactors.pdf
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hope
~~
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