Shame

Shame is the motor behind compulsive behavior ~Anonymous

Shame. Even the word is stark. When we feel shame, we feel utterly worthless, not because of what we've done but because of who we think we are. We think we're unlovable, incapable of giving love. The more our compulsions worsened, the more out of control and powerless we felt. That's when we found shame waiting in the chaos. We wanted to be invisible, to disappear.

But, really, there was something we wanted more: a way out. We found it by hanging onto the knowledge that we have dignity because we have life. It was given to us by our Creator who loves us unconditionally. We no longer need to use things (food, drink) or let ourselves be used. Instead, we live in grace and with dignity and in peace.

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Change is Hard

Change means movement, movement means friction, friction means heat, heat means controversy. ~ Saul Alinsky

We talk about wanting to change, to face up to our issues, and our desire is real and geniune. But we must realize change can continue to involve real pain for ourselves and others.

We have been so comfortable for so long with our issues! They have become a pacifier and a crutch. We wonder why we should bother to move forward and away from our world of ritutal and fantasy and comfort.

But were we really at home there? What about our anger? Our remorse? Our feelings of hopelessness and despair? Our shame that caused us to shun others and isolate ourselves? Were we truly comfortable? Has change been so harsh in comparison to the misery of our issues?

Even knowing there would be struggles and disagreements along the way, one day we decided, "ENOUGH!" We were ready then to face our struggles for a new, honest, way of living.
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Encouraging Hope

What is hope? It is not just positive thinking, a good mindset, or optimism.



Webster's Online dictionary defines hope as "to desire with expectation of obtainment" and "to expect with confidence". It is the feeling that what is desired can be obtained. We can get what we want and that events will turn out for the best.



Other examples or descriptions of hope:

• An adventure, a going forward, a confident search


• A multidimensional dynamic force, characterized by a confident yet uncertain expectation of achieving a future goal. Which, to the hoping person, is realistically possible and personally significant.


• The elevating feeling we experience when we see, in our thoughts and dreams, a path to a better life, a brighter future...with the understanding that significant barriers may exist along the way.


• A non-linear path with many twists and turn of doubt and fear that can negatively affect the view of it


• The feeling of knowing how to get what you want out of life and the desire to make it happen.


• A faith in the unseen


• A spiritual certainty

Without hope there is despair. Studies show that when there is no hope then there often people contemplating death and suicide. When people choose to stop living in their current realm of pain, fear and negative circumstances and seek help (counseling, a friend, a pastor) they are seeking a more hopeful life. We have two paths when dealing with people in despair. We can focus on their mistakes (those twists and turns along the non-linear path), what is wrong with them or we can focus on strengths, their potential for right, so that they may regain hope. Research shows that depressive symptoms decrease as hope is increased.



It is important that we all maintain an attitude of hope. Our attitude and behavior is what helps elicit hope and positive behavior in others. It is important that we express our faith in others and their ability to succeed. We must encourage and empower those we come in contact with to see beyond the discouraging circumstances. We must give them another picture to view, one of possibilities and potential. Hope is contagious, forward-thinking and goal oriented.



Still more essential is that we help others restore their faith in themselves. Once they believe in their own ability to change, then they can see that the circumstances are only temporary and they can get back on the road to hope.



When we encourage exploration of alternatives to the discouraging situation, we are instilling hope. We can do this by validating their feelings of despair, but not giving credence to the lie of despair. We can give them power over the situation by exploring options and alternatives and providing a sounding board for problem-solving. When they learn to develop hope from the inside out, even in one small aspect of their life, they can take that seed of hope and water it into a whole garden of hope. They can take that sliver and generalize it to a whole host of other life situations. They will begin to see possibilities that were once invisible to them.



When people restore hope they can explore where they were and derive meaning from it. They can learn from the past and move forward. They have the ability to set and achieve realistic goals. When the feeling of hope is restored people often feel more capable; they can do what is needed, see beyond today, and visualize their future.





Additional resources:



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope

http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/apahope.htm

http://www.suicideinfo.ca/csp/assets/alert63.pdf

http://www.attcnetwork.org/userfiles/file/11%20Pages%20from%20AM_v7_Series_4[1].pdf

http://division39.org/pub_reviews_detail.php?book_id=22

http://psy.psych.colostate.edu/courseweb/SUM2008/PY729YalomsTherapeuticFactors.pdf

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hope

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